12/10/98 - Mon - Bern (Switzerland) - Philip came to visit yesterday. He is playing support for
the Iggy Pop Tribute band 'project' of Eliot in Worb on Tuesday and Wednesday. He wants me to come along one night. If it's
possible I will. But money is a factor. Chriggu and Evi made up the WG population as Philip was given a share of the dinner.
He amused himself reading the 'Lucky Luke' comics hanging around, while I agreed with Evi to go for a drink; but first, I
said, I wanted to give Sarah a hug when she finally arrived home. From half seven I was ready for this; but it was not until
half eleven that she came back.
The welcome hug was nice, but Sarah spoke of missing the train, because she had gotten on the wrong
one, stranding herself in Olten. She had to hitch to get back and complained that the last driver had been an asshole, but
nothing bad happened.
She explained all this through breath smelling of alcohol, but the main thing was she was back.
But Evi upset her by digging at her failure to meet Krisu at the Luzern party, while saying "people were worried".
"Why do people always have to worry about me?" asked Sarah, agitated.
"Well, that's not such a bad thing, is it?" I replied.
"No...I guess not," she agreed, with a hug.
Then she said she was tired (not surprisingly) and with the minimum of a cuddle she set herself
to sleep. She needed to be up early for work, so she needed to be asleep....but there was a feeling of anti-climax within
me. I guess the Annemie experience from last year still remains strong in my mind. But maybe Sarah and I will never reach
that stage of 'all the way'.
Evi calls her a bee and there is much to this analogy. It's hard to pull anything coherent out of
the whole thing, but in time that may change....but time is something that is likely to impose limitations and coherence may
be needed faster.
One time 'spot' coming closer is evidently Chantal. Of all the times I could have chosen to buy
cigarettes it was just after ten at night. I had hoped to meet Sarah coming the other way as I made my way to the Bahnoff
to find a kiosk open.
Who came the other way? And so unexpected I made to walk past her? It was Chantal. She opened her
arms and spoke my name, so I looked and recognised her.
Naturally, we hugged. She was just about to board a train for Assisi...and the holiday she had told
me about.
There was a guy with her, so that must be the boyfriend. From a distance, he smiled a passive acknowledgement
to me, though we didn't know each other. In my swift appraisal, he fitted the bill as Chantal fodder. But that I wouldn't
know for sure, because her doings are barely known to me.
Of course, Chantal asked, "You will call?"
I said I will, if it's possible...and if I'm still here. Nothing is certain, but I know my Fate
path has a certain symmetry. Chantal may be the concluding factor of this Bern trip; the reason, amongst those that have already
occurred, that I am still here. The Chantal 'reason' has not had a chance to be clarified, nor has the line had a chance to
be embedded beyond the mutual will for it to develop...in some way.
What this tells me is that the weekend next (or days around it) could prove significant here in
Bern - possibly enough to clarify the the message and result of my stay here.
The visit of Annemie answered some questions. The Oberburg visit answered others. The only truly
mysterious questions within that clique are those presented by Chantal.
Meanwhile, the questions within this WG may help provide answers if I look the right way at them.
From the female angle, Evi/Sarah can almost be viewed as masculine impulse and feminine impulse....if Evi is taken as the
former and Sarah the latter. Between them, they reach across my gender impulse attributes extensively.
But there is more analogy than this. What is the similarity in personality between Sarah and a potentially
grown Rachel (my daughter)?
13/10/98 - Tues - It's coming up to midday and there seems clear blue sky (the possibility of terraces
this lunch hour) so I must have my wake up coffees and get to the centre around half twelve. As usual, any fragile accumulation
of money from the weekend has shrivelled away to less than 10Sfr.
Pitching, for me, was a waste of time...because I didn't start until a quarter to nine in the evening,
so could get only four songs played. Plus the pitch I was on was fairly well blanked out by other buskers.
But I didn't mind that overmuch...because I had expected it. I had come out with Evi, who had no
money (and needed some), so the priority was that she got money for cigarettes and a beer (if nothing else). She had got her
10Sfr and she decided to continue on through the time barrier of nine o'clock. What followed was an astonishing 40 minutes
where money came in fast, while I stood watching her (which seemed to encourage others to stand and watch also). Just to help
things along, applause grew louder once the idea was fuelled. But what struck me was that if this was a gig she'd be having
a very successful one. She has a presense that draws people's curiosity. Her voice can reach into the soul.
Our mood was buoyant as she completed the pitch...and as we headed for the Reithalle. She had earnt
60Sfr in an hour on a Monday evening.
The Evi/Brian line doesn't need much effort - it just flows...our friendship and the chemistry between
us is a rapidly growing thing...something that lifts me incredibly, because I guess I have always dreamed of such a female
as this. Her femininity is evident...our hugging and other physical signs of affection are great. But the bonus to this is
our mind link and the friendship appealability that crosses the gender line ....and blurs it. It is as much as going out for
a drink with my best mate...feeling relaxed about whatever we choose to speak of.
But, in actuality, there needs to be increased understanding and trust to completely fulfill this....therefore,
yesterday was crucial, because we were able to speak over things that needed to be addressed. The "write six songs and keep
one or two" philosophy was brought over to "strengthen the muscles of the muse". She likes the idea and intends to try it.
Clarification of her wishes toward me being in the WG was also achieved. I told her she can feel
free to tell me if I annoy her with something I do (or don't do) in the WG;
or even if my BEING there annoys her. She said she likes having me in the WG...and doesn't want
me to be elsewhere, but sometimes, she admitted, she wants her bed space...and even though I am usually sleeping with Sarah
it can seem an intrusion.
So she suggested that when she DOES want her bed space I can sleep on the spare mattress in Chriggu's
room.
This sounds a good arrangement.
Staying at Kehrsatz occasionally, I noted, would also be beneficial. She stated Wednesday as a good
night for this, because there is a friend coming to visit and stay overnight then.
But I may choose tonight also for Kehrsatz. I'll wait and see. Now, get to work, Brian!
I guess it is important for a guest not to feel intrusive...and sensitive reading of the general
energy at the WG can help greatly in this.
Yesterday, when Sarah returned from work she was not only two hours later coming back, but quiet
and moody. Evi and chriggu had gone for a drive, so the WG was me alone...aside from a half hour visit from Philip. I suggested
his visit be that short because it would give Sarah and I space to be alone for awhile. But she didn't arrive until six..and
the energy censors were picking up tension. It was not a comfortable re-union.
Last Saturday, I had sought to speak to her soul via her eyes and I had got enough of a connection
to read many of her energy signal emanations. That way I sensed something was bothering her even before she came home. I guess
if she is sparse in experience of the soul link she may be confused for awhile...and I may inadvertently project tension or
uncertainty her way.
Within the WG, my tension rides over the emotional wondering onto the very practical wondering as
to whether someone I know very little about may prefer to sleep alone rather than with me. If so, the continuance of the four
pointer in the WG may stumble into collapse, because that is my allotted bed space...sleeping with Sarah. Although Evi fairly
well said it's ok to sleep in her bed, because she won't be using it while Sarah and I are sharing the room.
But, understandably, the whole basis of tenure as a guest seems to rest on Sarah/Brian...and
how it fares. If it fares well, all is good.
But if it frizzles away?
It can do either. She is eighteen. Do I need to wheel in Ken Post's comment on Annemie a couple
of years back?
"Brian, she's eighteen! Females change their mind fast at that age!"
In addition, I am not sure where I stand in my affections to her...and it's likely she is not sure
where I stand for her. So we can begin to run hot like last Friday and Saturday...or we can begin to run cold like yesterday.
But neither may be a true reflection of actuality. It is all dependent on mood.
Yesterday, Sarah stared silently outside the bedroom window for a long time. Evi admitted she doesn't
understand what is happening within the mind of Sarah when she becomes quiet and moody. This was a good thing to hear - that
she gets these moods - otherwise, I would take it personally.
I came into her room and she was reading. Hoping my energy sensors were accurate, I said, " I think
you need some time on your own. Everybody needs that. You've been rushing around all weekend, after working through the week
and now you need time alone. I spent all day alone. It was great!"
At this, her expression changed to a smile and a laugh...and we held hands.
Bingo! Got it in one!
Sarah could get her space in a natural way ( as I was heading out with Evi anyway).
This is another example of the four pointer giving more options than a one on one could ever hope.
Seeking space in a one on one is a major task of diplomacy. With a four pointer it is so much easier.
I am free to take outside space...and the Sarah/Brian line can develop (or not) at its own pace.
It is the same for her. It takes away the pressure of having constant interaction forced on us.
Sarah and I were affectionate lunchtime today, but we both agree a couple of days (for me) in Kehrsatz
would be good...and for practical reasons. There is the extra guest coming to stay at the WG overnight tomorrow, my preference
to do my laundry at Kehrsatz, plus it would be good to get to Eliot's gig tonight...and have my own space from the same walls
of the WG. For Sarah, it means she can feel free to have a girl's nightwith Evi going to the cinema. Though she is free to
do this anyhow. But you know what I mean. And Evi would be free (or feel free) to use her bedspace at the end of the
night.
Everything fits! For everyone!
I can catch up fully on Jarru, Philip and maybe even Ana.
