19/10/98 - Mon - Bern (Switzerland) - When Evi came
into the kitchen (while Sarah and I were hugging) she called a greeting...and I replied, tacitly, "Hi." There was nothing
else I wanted to say to her, unless there was a one on one.
Then I would ask, "Why?"
Sarah asked where I had got to after our encounter in the Reithalle on Saturday. I told her..."
the Lorraine, then Ana's, but they were watching TV...so I left after awhile and went home."
After the WG visit I left for Kehrsatz, where Jarru was cooking a Lasagne. I offered Sarah
to come, if she wished. She didn't - and I knew she didn't wish before I asked. But I asked, because Sarah is wanting something
from me...but not everything, or anything. Until I know what she wants it is hard for me to give it. As she doesn't represent
'all the way' I can't bend my life too much for her....nor does she expect me to. Maybe Kat (Antwerp) holds the key to understanding
this?
Maybe Sarah simply wants a father figure?
That is not too hard a role to fill. I can get on with my life and still be that.
But if this is training for my correct interaction with Rachel (my daughter) I should be
careful how I arrange this. I will need to be contactible and able to contact. The mind link between Rachel and I is impossible
to bridge without direct one on one contact.
On this, the Sarah/Brian link is not lacking. So it represents an advanced level of Rachel/Brian
that will eventually be reached...and built upon.
If I view it this way it may just be I will view it correctly.
But this would make the Evi betrayal more biting if Sarah is a 'surrogate Rachel'. Especially
should Sarah/Evi be the 'family' emotional support in Dublin, where Rachel herself could come into the frame.
Maybe thus, Fate is warning me that the short cut through the Labyrinth is not a short cut
that will work?
I must think on this.....
20/10/98 - Tues - Philip is stressing on earning the money to
clear himself enough to get to Antwerp, while covering next month's rent. It is understandable that the tension he feels under
makes him annoyed that he has to find rent...and I don't. He openly expressed this...and I openly answered. I am prepared
to explain my position.
If I was to commit myself to some kind of rent agreement here a major step in the Labyrinth
will be missed. I would find it difficult to get to Belgium...and (probably) difficult to function, as I will need to, when
I get there...or should I manage to get there.
In addition, Philip's task (a difficult one) is maintaining fortress of Kehrsatz. It is unlikely
I will be here this Winter, so it will be a lone task for him, but boosted by the reward of co-operation with Jarru.
I spoke to him of my failure at just such a task...and how it hurt to feel I let down Gerhard.
My wish is that Philip succeeds in his task and lets down no one. It may be that I can offer
him something if the work options go well, but I can promise nothing - so I don't.
Philip understands much of what I'm saying...and my unspoken message to him is "be a mobile
army and trust in your ability to operate independently - but within the strategy and framework of a united force of mobile
armies".
My present role leaves a slight distaste within me. I do what I feel I must - not especially
what I want. It hurts me deeply....the things I can't do. The things I would like to do for those I love...but can't.
So my latest song reflects some of this, alongside my sense of frustration at people like
Evi, who fail to (on the face of it) see what I am going through...and what I'm trying to do...for them, for me, for....
There are things I want to achieve too. Unless things happen the right way I may never achieve
these things. One of these desires represents my daughter. More than often, people just don't remember that. People, more
often, see what they need from me, or seek to meet the needs they see I have in the place I happen to be.
That's fine! I'll do what I can for them. But if I feel I've wasted my time it bites me in
ways they barely conceive, because they don't realise the full sorrow of Brian.
A late pitch on the Munster was tepid and a street pitch by the Globus was slow. Around 18sfr
for the whole thing, but I met Stephanie(20) on the way to the Munster. We talked...and she said she would like to meet and
talk properly, but she was likely to be busy this week. Maybe we'll meet on the Munster. That was the agreement. She is a
beautiful girl, but unless we get beyond half meetings I can't spend too much time thinking on her.
However, a line with Stephanie would be possibly an important one, if the future allows.
After playing the Munster I was pleased to see Anada entering the park. I thought maybe she
may just come over to speak a little, then disappear amongst her friends. But she went to her friends first...said hello...then
came to me. Our talk was long and deep. I showed her my latest text/lyrics, and when she finished reading it she said, "Wow!"
I knew she could relate to this. She is a beautiful soul and she has lived through much of
the pain of these words, on the emotional level.
On Evi, Anada said that Evi is scared of her emotions. That is a practical defence, but for
songwriting based on the soul the fear must be surmounted. Anada seemed to suggest that Evi's betrayal was based on love...and
the conflict it represented within her. Also, that she knew I was important to her...and that having me close by was important....but,
TOO close by challenged her fear and (I would suspect) became an accusation that was inescapable - even within her home.
Anada thinks I should speak to Evi, even if she doesn't approach me first. But I retorted
that my first word would have to be, "Why?".....even if I knew. Because, otherwise, my resentment would be too deep to be
blandly social. That Evi does not seek to unravel my anger at her is disappointing.
But who would easily do such a thing, knowing you are likely to get your head bitten off?
