16/10/98 - Fri - Bern (Switzerland) - Evi
is not trustworthy and she CHOSE to imagine, without query, that I said, " getting somewhere to stay in Switzerland is easy
without paying rent."
Can you imagine me saying that?
But this, of course, I didn't get from Evi. Sarah told me Evi had claimed I had said this.
So the "friends can tear my body and the wolf can rip my heart".
The Muse clearly expected this and thus, the 'truth and illusion' analogy also found its
way into the song. It told me that I have to delineate between truth and illusion - and Evi strikes me as illusion....because
I'm angry with her now. Aside from telling her what I think I have no great wish to seek her out, or associate with her.
I guess my energy sensors were aware of something wrong from the emanations of that WG...and
maybe that is why I haven't sought to return there this week, despite the initial mutual agreement of 'two days in Kehrsatz'.
As Kehrsatz has borne the overwhelming weight of my stay here, I don't want to stay long there. So Monday I can plan my return
to Antwerp.
Evi's betrayal has turned this trip into defeat. I told Sarah as much.
I could understand staying overlong at the WG would be bad for all. But that wasn't what
I wanted anyhow. I wanted at least two reliable options here in Bern before I could even contemplate a Winter visit, especially
one as early as February. Evi's false information led, no doubt, to indignant anti Brian decisions. So they closed the WG
as an option for me.
As I explained to Sarah, if people need space they can have it. I haven't got time to waste
on people who don't want me around. Sarah wants me around, but without a closer level of being together it will neither develop,
nor even maintain itself. The only time I plan to visit that WG is to pick up my diaries. I am angry...and ( as with Annemie)
I would be inclined to let Evi know my anger.
As for Chriggu and Sarah, I am not angry with them at all. It was a pleasure sharing some
time with them...and Sarah and I have affection, cuddles and care for each other. It would be my estimation that too long
at the WG would, with the best intent of everyone, be unbearable. It was surprising they contemplated keeping me staying there
beyond limited periods. But they did...and it was for reasons of their own. I didn't twist their arm.
For me, it was a seemingly vital step in the Labyrinth, checking out Evi at first hand. It
meant I stayed longer in Switzerland than I planned.
But, basically, it feels now like a wasted enterprise. Time is a precious thing for me. If
I kept time with the same jealousy that the Swiss keep the energy they call rent, I would simply spend it earning money and
getting my own desires...and fuck everyone else.
The time, thought and energy placed on Evi has cost me dearly. It leaves me inclined to just
looking to myself until I'm back in Antwerp...a place where the niceties of giving and receiving is better understood.
To unload my anger I played the Federal - however sparse it was. I played one song into another,
and each song mirrored my mood. All the slow and careful study of Evi thrown to the wind. I don't plan to outline thoughts
to her anymore. She can work things out herself from now on. 'Across the sea' and 'The exile' were played to express
a reminder of my Labyrinth aim...and my annoyance at being sidetracked by a worthless enterprise.
Much like going on a busking jaunt to another country, aiming to earn a lot of money...only
to come back three or four weeks later none the better off. It's that feeling that if I'd stayed where I was I would have
earnt better.
Ah, but maybe something significant will happen before I leave here. Then I could say it
was Fate tying me here for the new significance. Because my faith in Evi is bankrupted. Much as I like Sarah, I don't quite
see the point there either. Maybe it was just to get a practical glimpse of the four pointer? At least I gained that! But
still it is evident these people don't fit the bill on a long term level.
'You're the kinda girl' was played not to say nobody is perfect, but to say Evi is predictably
falling into the old cliches that annoy me. Then 'Baby' - because leaving is exactly what I have in mind. I shall pick up
my diaries from the WG...and they can have as much space as a lifetime can give, because the central axis of the four pointer
is broken....Evi/Brian is illusion.
I guess it is easy to see how the Swiss have been able to stay neutral for four hundred years.
I can't imagine anyone would ever trust them in an alliance.
But one Swiss man in the Manora must have sensed my hieradd...and felt he should speak. He
placed 5sfr on my table and said, "This is to show I like your music. I have heard you play many times these past three years,
and I think you are very good."
There are very many people in Bern who like my music. But for me to be here becomes increasingly
difficult. "Wild Wolf" was a song which posed a question. It was answered...and the Brian that inhabits this Bernese life
trusted in a wolf that promised to be a reliable fellow hunter. Instead, she informed the pack...and the pack came...and
Brian was torn apart. But my spirit knew this could happen, but still it chose to take a chance on Wild Wolf - and the final
lines bears the sadness and forgiveness of the offering....
"But my spirit greets you, Wild Wolf, even if I'm torn apart."
In the end, it is not the Liberian prisoner who is on trial...but the soldier pointing the
gun.
Evi seems a sad case, where it matters, in the soul. Sadder, because she seemingly seeks
her soul and is unable to interpret the actions and intentions of those around her. Maybe she should go back to New York.
There seem plenty of other people like her there.
In the Reithalle (with Philip) I sat by Daniella and a couple of her friends. The conversation
with her was chiefly about how difficult it was to have a conversation with her, because her English is not up to much...and
my Deutsche less so.
But I was planning on speaking to Adana once Daniella left for her train. I wanted to unload
my story onto Adana, but she left early. I spoke to her before she left, but there was time only for a hug and a few words.
I told her I may be away to Belgium on Monday...
"Oh no!" she said, "Don't go yet!"
But she couldn't say much more, apart from "get my telephone number from Evi".
But I had already blurted out a brief comment on my views of Evi.
Whar rang inside me about this incident is the outlay of the Swiss clique system. I could
relate it to the Oberburg message of futility beyond the individual who holds you as guest. So I can discount the whole shooting
match of this expedition as basically worthless.
The best way of summarising it is to relate it to a chess game, where the positions of the
pieces have been placed carefully and well....only to have the Queen lost in one careless move. There is only one practical
option: to surrender the game. It is inevitably lost and further efforts will avail nothing. It is better to start a new game.
I can't see that any social contacts acquired, or potentially on the list as acquirable,
can make any difference to the results of the game. The Queen is lost and the game depended on her.
The Oberburg visit showed me that Chantel is to be taken with a pinch of salt. I still don't
know what Sarah wants, though she is attracted to me in some way. But I don't see the point, as things stand.
There is no one who strikes me as worth altering my life for here, aside from Philip and,
for awhile, Evi.
Adana doesn't want me to go. Why? She is a good friend, but we don't seem likely to reach
beyond that...as far as I can see.
17/10/98 - Sat - But there is one pleasing
aspect about all this. Fate seems to view my execution of my tasks as well done. It is best signified by the co-incidental
good weather and conditions for making money. Playing the Baren Platz and the Pyrenees gained 88sfr and a further 10sfr
from a duo with Philip on the Munster was disappointing, but not unexpected from the type of people who inhabit the terrace
on a Saturday. All the same my gross earnings have reached 320 these past three days. Even if I managed to spend a hundred
of that I'm still well over the two hundred mark - my target, as a minimum, for Antwerp.
I can feel I discharged my onus honourably...and I can walk straight to the next Labyrinth
puzzle. I think the feeling that this has been so is evident because, emotionally, I feel
discharged of the pain of the tearing apart of the pack...and the heart Wild Wolf ate will
not satiate her hunger. But the death of Lone Wolf may pall her once she understands the full nature of what she has done.
If she never understands, then she will remain forever bound and restricted by fear. Her songs will try to teach her, but,
as with 'Chimes', she will write words...but not understand the value and message of those words. Much as I did when I became
lost in the wilderness of the White Sheep world.
The story and demise of 'Lone Wolf Brian' is a sad one, but it represents the striving of
the spirit...and the key behind it was the element of belief. Lone Wolf could have given Wild Wolf much, where it mattered
on inner and outer levels. He knew he could be torn apart, but still he sought to over ride his wariness and seek to trust
and believe in Wild Wolf. But Wild Wolf did not choose to trust and believe - and therefore Wild Wolf has the weakness of
fear and suspicion. It seems she excused her failure by pointing the finger accusingly at Lone Wolf, who was trusting, but
cautious, yet still caught unawares by the betrayal. Lone Wolf trusted that the words Wild Wolf spoke were true. It was the
channel of trust that killed him.
Now Wild Wolf hides away, because she can...and has so arranged it. Because the body of Lone
Wolf has been devoured. It can no longer condemn her. But the spirit is indestructable and, as the spirit collects the "Styx"
money, it walks abroad. The death of the body can not be viewed as the end of things.
Wild Wolf will discover this. It may be this will cause her much inner torture and torment.
But Lone Wolf is able to differentiate and is not wanting to hurt those who cared honestly
for him. Sarah has only spoken truly, or she has not spoken at all. She was, as surely, tearing herself apart as well as acting
as the spearhead of the pack in tearing Lone Wolf apart...when she explained the difficulties within the WG to me...and the
impossibility of four people in such a cramped environment...and the poisoned words of Evi. Sarah is going through a crisis,
emotionally, over me...and yet she had the courage to speak and (effectively) say "Piss off", taking the risk of losing me
completely.
But she was defining a WG decision...and whether people wish to put me up, or not, is all
a matter of free choice...and adjustable, dependent on circumstances. As far as the WG decisions go, in this respect, they
offered too much and now they offer too little.
It's fairly obvious to me that if they want me in their life they should offer a workable
balance that has workable limits...and practicality.
But it was not for me to define this.
Discovering limits is part of my task. That way I find out who matters and what is possible.
