03/09/99 - Fri - New York - As far as the birth numbers are concerned,
they fulfilled the idea that Gill was related to the key to the Labyrinth exit. The opportunity that came my way to meet Rachel
at Heathrow Airport was made possible by the Brian/Gill line - and the way Fate took it. The whim to phone my brother was
instigated by being at Gill's place and having her approval to use her phone to make the call. I would have been too tight
with funds to afford a payphone.
Gill was outwardly pleased that I would meet my daughter. But her re-action on the
actual meeting of Brian/Rachel (and my wife) seems to have the nature of 'perturbed'... especially as it might
have appeared likely, at one point (from her view), that Brian would miss the New York flight.
The whole experience of my re-union (and prospective scenarios) seems to have strengthened
the negative side of Gill into full blown doubt.
In 1995, Char re-acted badly to the idea I would meet my daughter and her mother in Ireland, despite actively wanting to aid me in the venture up until
the day. The passport renewal delay in England (on the way back) meant I didn't arrive in Antwerp on the day I promised Char
I would be back... and she ended up in hospital on OD.
It seems Gill gave full rein to her doubts and made of them her sense of reality.
It could be that the idea that I could desert her for someone else, or something else, plunged her hyperactive mind into the
notion of "not if I do it first!" Philip would self-destruct a relationship in such a way. Insecurity, and a mad dash to protect
pride?
So Gill locked onto everyone, and anyone, to avoid the label of 'loser in love'.
I had no intentions of forsaking Gill, even though I was annoyed by her lack of support.
But her actions disallowed the facility for finding out where Brian/Gill should be, because she closed the borders through
her interaction with Lenny. She then sought to assault my self value.
The name of the game was 'tease'. The name of my response was 'tease'.
Erin and I headed into Manhattan from Queen's (her place) in the morning. Erin was
going to work - I was intent on taking in the tranquility of the lake in Central Park.
Despite the embryonic patchiness of our acquaintance, Erin/Brian already has a seed
of love. It is sad, because it may never be possible to explore Erin/Brian. I live in Europe. She lives in New York. But our
hugs have been warm and deep... and the last one included a vocal expression, mutually, of the seed that we share and its
unknown quality. Erin bandages the wound in my soul, however lightly.
Why didn't I get her telephone number?
I guess I never think too well on such matters.
Why didn't I ask to meet after she finishes work?
Maybe I can drop by the restaurant she works at?
Such gorgeous eyes!
I guess the time factor hangs heavy. On Sunday I leave New York behind. It seems there
is much else to be left behind.
The Fringe produced a critic for our last show. He supplied lines and comments I would
have wanted as a review. But his final line was not only misinformation, it was somehow ironic:
"Brian Pearce played a mean saxophone."
I didn't even notice. Maybe the critic picked up Freudian messages.
04/09/99 - Sat - No entry
05/09/99 - Sun - The heart break of my soul and the defeat within
my mind was relentless. Deep depression infiltrated any resolve to break myself back into hope.
Ken took me down to the 'Knitting Factory' on Friday night... and 'Funhouse 2000'
on Saturday. On the way to the latter we chanced upon a theatre troupe performing (very well) 'A Midsummer's night dream'
in Washington Square Park. He took me around bars in downtown Manhattan, but it all echoed an emptiness shared between two
souls who had fought to manifest a project, only to succeed and find the emptiness. Both of us suffer, in our way. Neither
of us held out much hope of making any inroad into the cliques of noisy 'villagers' cluttering the bars. But we did implement
a system of a kind..... just sit by the toilets and talk to people queueing there. A few conversations were won that way.
But Ken appreciates my efforts, and on our farewell he dropped me $100, saying...
"OK Kerouac! Get out on the next bus or train... to Switzerland!"
He smiled. I smiled. Kerouac is free once more. It is possible, if I so wish it....
I could be in Bern for two weeks, and still be back in time for my brother's visit
in Antwerp. MC has already agreed to put him up. If I hit it right I could earn and save well in Bern. In addition, I could
re-charge the waning social lines there. Accommodation may prove easy, or hard, to find.... but that (now) is my situation
in Antwerp.
All my creative plans and directions are in disarray. Bern could aid my re-think.
The target? Emotional, creative and material purpose.
Now the plane taxis to the runway. The imprisonment of New York is over, and JFK Airport
signals my release.
06/09/99 - 07/09/99 - 08/09/99 -No entries
09/09/99 - Thurs - Antwerp (Belgium) -
The return to Antwerp has left me in a quiet period; adjusting to the jet lag and finding time (or inclination)
short for social exploration. I simply took the point of most natural contacts, so Kriso is the most seen person these past
few days.
Last night I went for a drink with Lenny at the Babylon. But his major concerns remained
fixed on making money from terraces and getting drunk etc.... rather than the matter I sought to discuss. My desire to speak
to Lenny arose from a conversation I had with John Swift. He told me Lenny has had similar problems with his girlfriends whenever
he has gone to see his children in Oslo. The girl he happens to be dating goes 'crazy' on him; just as Char and Gill
did with me.
So this seems to be a general re-active trait.
John has much experience of this kind of thing also. In fact, he fell into the other
side of it with one girlfriend:
"I just had sex with another woman.... and I had no idea why. It was just some re-action."
So... partners become highly competitive with your children, your ex-spouse and even
places (Clio) and people (Ruana?) that somehow leave them feeling a bit part in your life.
A week after arrival in New York Gill questioned me closely on my intentions and attitude
to my ex-spouse.
The basic thing of New York was my instability on emotional levels upon arrival -
and Gill behaving with distance and suspicious motives. This fired my anger, and our 'talk' on the Saturday after she had
slept on the same bed as Lenny wasan expression of that anger. By her own admissions, she was made to feel the full guilt.
But, helped by Jay, my natural pragmatism kicked in and I arrived at the philosophy of 25/08/99. This occurred before the
third Tightrope show. The next day Gill and I attended a play at Chambers Street. On the way back, we spoke of us. She asked
me what my feelings are for her. I told her I loved her. That was the cue for her to make an admission:
"Lenny and I had sex last night. It just happened! I got so stoned I didn't know what
I was doing."
Well, from my viewpoint, she intended just such a thing from the Friday before; yet
there she was, trying to pretend it was accidental. I asked her why:
"It was lust."
I drove the emotional knife in and I was upset, because the body is an important vessel
for trust when you don't resort to safe sex (condoms). Maybe Lenny is clean - maybe not. Maybe they used condoms - maybe not.
But Brian/Gill represented an unknown risk if it was ever to resume body link. Was the message, "We will see what comes back
of us, but forget the body" ? If so, then the censorship of one aspect leads to false expression in all others.
So, forcing Gill to utter the words, "Then I don't love you," led to the climax of
that night. But the absence of Lenny during that period kept me calm. The next day and the TV shoot saw Gill/Brian relaxed
enough to perform three duo songs on the steps of the Metropolitan Museum.
The following Friday, Saturday and Sunday saw Brian/Gill spending much time together,
but my blackness returned when I anticipated the injection of Lenny/Gill once more after the last show. I was frustrated by
my failure to voice this concern to Gill, because there wasn't the right moment.
At the dinner that Ken's mother bought for the whole cast on conclusion of the shows
I sat with Lenny, while Gill sat opposite us. None of us could say anything to each other. Martin (Tightrope guitarist) complimented
Gill and I on our duo. Gill spoke to him of our creative plans.....
I interjected, and said ominously, "Yeah, it was a great idea. It would have been
a great thing. But the cost was too high."
Gill was shot down. I had pulled the duo agreement out from under her feet, much like
she had pulled my belief in her love out from under my feet. I could see the way my energy was being sucked with her Lenny
antics - and how it would be sucked, if I didn't fight back.
I was prepared to fight to save Brian/Gill and make it healthy once more. But I wasn't
going to fight for half Brian/Gill. I wanted to try for a return to full relationship, but in a framework that gave us a full
sense of space. Such a thing may not prove possible, but Lenny/Gill stamped a message that a massive boundary was in place
- that Gill was intent on games and hurting me through them. So I declared war and decided to shut her out of my life.
The last time I saw her was at her place. I went straight there after arrival back
in Antwerp. I began writing a letter, but she came in before I completed it. I told her I had all my belongings. We spoke
little. We were both too antagonised and jet lagged to take on what would be a heavy argument, with hard to counter accusations.
So I said, "Bye," and left.
It hurts me... the way Brian/Gill has gone. The parts that love her pine deeply. The
parts that saw our creative efforts as moving forward are depressed by the whole thing. I can not speak for Gill, but I suspect
she is equally devastated by our schism.
But I was the wounded person... in my mind and in the minds of all I have spoken to
about this. It it for her to mend the bridge. Gert, John Swift etc. all claim she will come to me, but I suspect she is too
arrogant, or nervous, to do this. It may even be that Lenny and Gill are history. It may have served its purpose: my discomfort
and Gill's sense of defence.
I don't know what the state of mind is with Kim. Maybe she is socialising? Maybe she
has gone to visit her parents? Maybe she is sitting at home in abject depression? Maybe she is concentrating on work and creative
thoughts? I don't know.
But I have written a song - and the words are bitingly aimed at her. It is aimed at
anyone who hides within a mind game, including me.
As for people like DaveR and Busker Mick, I told them straight out what happened.
John Swift estimated a week to allow fo Gill seeking me out, but I think Brian/Gill is in high danger of becoming history.
Even for such a thing as watered down interaction (based on creative projects) there needs to be a powerful element of trust
and love.
At this point, I have much love still, but I have very little trust. Only by seeking
me out can Gill tentatively rebuild my trust in her, but she hasn't given herself space to even know to what level
her love and trust in me is. It would not surprise me if it is still thus, but I know she's hurting. I saw her hurting
at Erin's - and in the car to Kennedy Airport. Ken has noted how she hurts when my name is mentioned.
It is for Gill to wipe away my cynical impression of her. Until she does, then my
impression is vindicated - a highly negative impression: "Manipulator, liar, bullshitter, emotional coward, running scared
and insecure, user, deserter, betrayer..."
Surely she is not as bad as that. Her silence proclaims "Guilty" to the cynic inside
me. Her actions harbour all of this to my perspective. All of these accusations could be modified, or blown away, by one determined
effort by Gill to challenge me. If she does, Brian/Gill can yet recover some lost ground and honesty may be the seed.
It is a healthy seed.
As for Lenny, John Swift and I, the disappointments wrought by women litter our lives.
Lenny has enough experience of the kind of energy take Gill put on me. John, equally so. Lenny just takes his opportunities;
remaining cynical about it all. Probably (noting her relationship end game ploys) he made care to avoid getting too attached
- and their thing may have been limited by the period in New York. If so, then Gill may finally be giving herself space to
think. The problem is.... thoughts can be modified and adjusted, but deeds?
They tend to get stuck on your cv.
10/09/99 - Fri - Bruising (physical or emotional) has a tendency
to last four days, or thereabouts. The bruising between Brian/Gill (if Gill has taken space to think) will fall
away over the next two or three days. If there is love and will, there can be a fragile flower seeking growth. It is foolish
to hope for a return to the early days of Brian/Gill, when our sense of freedom and our sense of relationship was beautifully
balanced. It was a time when our sense of function was enhanced, rather than impaired. It was so natural and good we saw mountains
to scale - and dared the attempt. We shifted from practical to unrealistic on a roller coaster ride that made it impossible
to get off. Once the ride offered opportunity, the re-action was unaccommodating.
It may be foolish to wish this, but if our love is strong enough it is not an impossible
aim; nor is it foolish if the will is there. What is unknown is the true evaluation of our feelings.
Sometimes I am in love. Sometimes I just stamp 'hopeless' on Brian/Gill. Unless we
meet, and talk, I can gain no resolution on where we can go from here.... if anywhere. I am in favour of talking, but it needs
to be soon. Nor would it be greatly valid if I am the only one of us unhappy with the schism, and thus making the initiative
all the time. To let go, without talking, is damaging for both of us. But she may not have given herself space to think, let
alone clarify how she feels. In such a case it is healthier to let go, because her inner spirit is stagnating and being denied
by her outer actions and pride. Such a thing makes her path to creativity and fulfillment difficult.
