02/09/99 - Thurs - The absence of Lenny/Gill has resulted in a more stable Brian and my more
positive outer energies has aided a re-emerging commitment, within waverers, for the future of Tightrope. Bart, Inge and Roy
are being eased back into the idea of future participation in Tightrope. Wesley and Gert - and even Els - have had their lines
to me made good.
Wesley and Gert even spoke of their distaste over Gill's actions,
"She was playing games with you, " said Wesley, " You shouldn't let her do that."
"She was throwing herself around at all the guys, including me," remarked Gert.
By such a stratagem someone is bound to bite. Especially someone with cause, in their mind,
to view me competitively. Like a pinball, it would be inevitable that the ball would bounce past the flippers into the defeat
of a frienemy.
But Ken remarked that I had kept my cool...and Gert and Wesley also respected me for this.
The end result, for Tightrope (as I watched the last video), is that the extraction of energy
Lenny gained pushed him through as the 'star'. His saxophone innovation and relaxed ambience made a massive contribution to
the success of the last performance.
My performance was OK, but I had to contend with Inge being lost as an 'intro' partner -
leaving me to ad-lib on the stage. Inge wasn't feeling well due to the heat.
In addition, I had to contend with a broken string on "Hoop for the lowly"...and a cracked,
worn voice on "Georgia", due to the bad air in New York and the forlorn efforts to make money, singing on the Al Fresco pitch
earlier in the day.
All of these problems I handled competently...seemingly unperturbed. But my concentration
was on the emotional matters immediately before the play.
Gill and I had been together all afternoon and my inner release awaited stating my annoyance
over Lenny/Gill to her, especially should they seek to extract my energy, and attachment to the troupe, by emphasising my
'shame' at Ken's place.
As Wesley said, "It is all a game".
Only made possible by trusting in someone as manipulative and insecure as Gill. Philip's
mind works in the same way on the negative side of things. So her actions and motives are not inexplainable.
Just read this Journal.
But my private self is embryonic after the intensive Brian/Gill link since early July. So
I am a child, in philosophical terms, re-constructing myself.
Being aware of mind games is not enough.
Nor can I effectively shield myself....try as I might.
It is the path of the true creative artist to examine...and feel...his inner joy and pain.
Because of this, I do have the ability to recover quickly.
But, even so, it will take time re-constructing Brian.
It is painful, but ultimately more beneficial than the courses Gill has chosen. But it is
also selfish.
It is the will that I should always be seeking full flower. It is the knowledge that I am
wilting, rather than doing this.
The Brian/Gill line is the reason...so cut off the flower and let a new one grow.
Brian/Lenny is, at best, a polite line. We know we aren't greatly enamoured of each other.
He doesn't have to say anything to proclaim his sense of triumph. Gill will do that for him. Here...and in Antwerp on the
Groen Platz.
All my frienemies will enjoy this one.
But the Groen Platz is not the centre of my universe...and neither is Gill.
The Groen Platz is the centre of the universe for Lenny, however.
03/09/99 - Fri - By the lake in Central Park. I sit on the grass...and my soul mourns the
tactics of my mind. But there needs to be a pen that works better than this one...
Last night I slept at Erin's place. It can be said I was manipulative in this.
But with Lenny/Gill back from their exile and the Kenny option in Jersey wildly impractical
- considering I was in 41st street, Queens - I was being stripped of my choices... and chained to the Lenny/Gill show.
Erin spoke of the role she had to play for a television drama in California recently:-
"I was playing a woman in relationship. She was in bed with her lover and she got up to smoke
a cigarette. He objected...and the whole thing turned into a physical power contest to highlight relationship conflict. I
had to use Karate and gymnastics...and I got a few bruises from falls I had to take. Eventually I tied the guy up on the bed
and I was threatening him with a knife. But the phone rang and it was my mother. While I was speaking to her the guy escaped...and
the last scene ended with him hanging from the balcony in his underwear as he vainly tried to get away."
"It is highly symbolic!" I remarked.
Being in New York, with the need to perform Tightrope, left me "tied up on the bed". Ken
was the "mother" taking Gill away from the taunting. Lenny/Gill returning yesterday...and coming to Erin's...left me "hanging
from the balcony".
