24/08/99 - No entry
25/08/99 - Weds - I spoke to Gill in a face to face...relaying
the message I had arrived at, "Sorry for my re-actions. I have no anger, no hatred to bear toward you. It was not your fault.
It was not mine. Two people discovered a shared purpose, love and visualisation, but lost themselves seeking the manifestation.
Seeking the joint rainbow we became entirely locked up together....and the suppression our over-ambitious plans loaded onto
us eventually compressed to the point where the explosion of separation and resentment was inevitable."
Our resolution is to just see what happens, on inner and outer levels, between us from now
on. Our relationship is over.
It went from practical and healthy to impractical, unrealistic and unhealthy. Future relationship,
on a full level, can not be discounted - albeit unlikely, as things stand. There is a powerful bond between us, but Gill claimed
she is not ready for relationship. She has insisted this is a problem - and she was very brave to attempt the Brian/Gill thing
nonetheless. But she may be ready one day - and it may be Brian/Gill trying once more.
For now, however, we need to find the Brian/Gill interaction and status that feels comfortable
for us. It could lead to full relationship once more or close friendship. Either of these would salvage, and maintain, the
growth and development of our creative duo. But moderate to distant friendship would, held at bay
by a host of more closer friendships, would, by itself, eliminate any prospect of our duo doing anything other than wilting...and
dying.
It will take awhile to establish where Brian/Gill stands. Right now, Gill has need to suck
in air with exagerated frenzy...after having to hold her breath submerged beneath the sea of her visualisation, and its consequences.
I have much experience of this kind of pyschological analogy, so I return to balance faster.
I do love Gill.
I love certain parts of her.
Other parts leave me indifferent.
I love and recognise her soul. But she suppresses her soul with
her mind...and she seems to be scared by the speech of souls.
Her mind is the point of greatest division for my love...and indifference...
to her.
Our bodies have a natural attraction, but her mind interferes
with this by placing stress onto her body chemistry. Making love would be a case of minimum foreplay...and minimum afterglow. The sex itself would usually be intensive...and highly responsive.
The past two weeks have seen the sexual side almost vanish.
Once --- last week. Once --- the week before. Much of this was due to her ill health...and
a sense of doubt and constriction.
But it is the hearts that hold the key.
26/08/99 - 27/08/99 -- No entries.
28/08/99 - There was much progress toward Brian/Gill line repair,
but the sense of fortune smiling on us...and our duo...rapidly fell away last night, as we attempted to pitch the NY
Fringe HQ, only to find the theatre show exit had two doors....and we were placed on the wrong one. A lot of effort waiting
and walking for nothing...and my funds are perilously low at present.
After this debacle, while we were on the way to Chambers Street for the 5th Tightrope performance,
I spoke to Gill of the Labyrinthal lessons and warnings of '95. Ruana/Brian was fired with a sense of good energy, good fortune
and mutual love back then. Until the social problems Al and Char imposed onto it. Then the duo gradually became history.
My devotion to Ruana tied me up on important emotional levels for a year. It left me vulnerable and exposed to anyone in the
Antwerp Village. friend or enemy, who sought to negate my creative progress by highlighting the foolishness of my choices
in love.
My failure to move forward emotionally led to my failure to move forward on career development.
The richness of my creativity was nullified by inability to find the courage to push myself beyond the poor comforts of my
sad familiarity.
I clung onto Ruana. I clung onto the Musiekdoos. I clung onto the Cathedral and Meir pitches.
My self value plunged through the harsh Antwerp Winter... and the damaged front tooth amplified
this.
The arrogance emerging onto Brian in '95 was reduced to self pity and defeat...on intrinsic
inner levels.
In '96, Annemie and Philip re-injected purpose on emotional and practical outlet possibilities.
The question that injects poisoned energies within me for Gill regards her line to Lenny.
It seems she is sleeping with him...and she has had sex at least once, by her own admission. This takes the body factor of
Brian/Gill out of the spectrum of conditions I would view as a relationship prospect.
It takes away my trust in her on body levels. It places her amongst the pack of Helens (although
she is not Helen.)
She re-acted badly to my assertion that this thing with Lenny is an inner desire to hurt
me; in order to feel my energy bleed, or as a plain simple rebound to protect herself from the turmoil of a relationship schism
by shacking up with another partner.
She was angry, but I calmly displayed her paradoxes by saying,
"If you DID want to hurt me..then it is because you love me. So if your assertion that it wasn't rebound, or a desire to hurt,
is true? Then that would mean you don't love me."
She was trapped by her own paradox. She gazed at the floor, to the left of where she sat,
and tried out the words, "Then I don't love you."
"Then that is the answer," I encouraged, calmy.
If I chose, I could assess the Gill/Brian line on this. But I suspect she doesn't know what
she wants and the paradoxes in her mind are indecipherable, because it is her soul (not her mind) that knows the truth.
IN TIME, THE SOUL WILL TELL THE MIND/BODY/HEART WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN DOING
Usually too late.
That she has replaced one partner with another (Swiss style) means she is not dealing with
herself. That is why she can go down. Her fear and denial of her soul induces the outer re-action of ill health and mind confusion.
To jump straight into the arms of another partner after a relationship that went askew is,
to my mind, an effort to bolster self esteem, on a personal level, while seeking to suck the self value of your previous partner.
This has the effect of placing the fault behind events on the self value drained previous partner. The impression the action
seeks to give...and the impression the victim actually has...is a sense of second rate attraction, until the victim goes down
into the belief that he/she is undesirable for a trusted partner to act in the way they have acted.
Stuck here in New York, I can only sit helplessly and view her taunting. All my friends and
associates here can also view the proceedings and, indirectly, my mind can reason that these people can diminish the outlook
they may glimpse of my self value. Lenny extracts the optimum energy from all this.
But, though Gill can be said to be sapping my energy and causing me inner turmoil, I suspect
her own energy is being very sorely sapped. Because the very nature of her actions paint her into a poor light with those
same friends and associates.
